In America’s war on dieting, the criminal offenders are pursued by the Food Police. These are their probably exaggerated stories. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, even if they look really guilty.
Food Police (sauntering up to the table where Guilty Gail sits): I see that you’re back again. But they tell me that this time you came to us. What do you want to tell me today?
Guilty Gail (head hanging low): Well officer, I think I committed a dieting crime today. And I wanted to come to you to give you my story before you found out about it…
Food Police (sitting down): Ok Gail, spit it out.
Guilty Gail: I’m just so embarrassed. It’s hard to say out loud. I ate something bad yesterday. I’ve been so good lately, and now it’s all ruined. I ate… pizza.
Food Police: Mmm hmm, tell me more.
Guilty Gail: I haven’t had pizza in weeks, and I was craving it yesterday. It had been so long. The plan was to just have a bite, but then it tasted so good… and it had been so long… that I ate 2 whole pieces! But that’s just the beginning. That’s when the guilt set in. I realized the horror of what I had done! I mean, I ate pizza! So I figured that since I had already screwed up, I may as well go all the way. That’s when I ate the other 3 pieces. I couldn’t help myself! I wasn’t in the right state of mind. It was a crime of passion! Please have mercy on me.
Food Police: So let me get this straight. You came here today because you ate some pizza.
Guilty Gail (looking at her feet): Yes, I’m not proud about it.
Food Police: Did you steal the pizza?
Guilty Gail: Uh, no. It was delivery.
Food Police: Did you use the pizza to cause bodily harm to another person?
Guilty Gail: No. How would you even do that?
Food Police: Did you commit some other crime with the pizza that I didn’t think of?
Guilty Gail (looking up at the Food Police): No.
Food Police: Then I can’t come up with any crime you committed Gail. And I tried. But eating any food- even pizza- is not a crime. Why did you think it was against the food laws?
Guilty Gail: I swear I read it in a diet book somewhere. I mean, pizza has cheese and bread- it was even pepperoni pizza. I thought it had to be a crime.
Food Police: Food isn’t good or bad Gail. Eating pizza once isn’t going to ruin your weight loss efforts. You should throw out those diet books before they get you in to some serious trouble.
Guilty Gail: I’m trying to kick the habit officer, but it’s not easy. All my friends are doing it, dieting is everywhere. But I have cut back lately. Thanks for your help.
Food Police: Good luck Gail. Hopefully I won’t see you back here any time soon.
Don’t be fooled by diets like Guilty Gail and so many others. Please join us in the war against dieting.